For info on how to rent my Florida Vacation
Home near Disney World ,click on the picture
If you have any jokes you would like to contribute please email roy@biddulph.u-net.com you will of course get credited for them.
Pub Jokes webpage (ctrl d to add to favorites)
(scroll down for the gags)
I have compiled a book of gags called " Jonso's Pub Jokes Reference Book".
The objective is to provide a book with short punchy jokes suitable for parties,pubs,social gatherings etc.
The language is a bit fruity in places,but you don't need to tell them with the fruit!
It is 200+ pages 77000 words,380,000 characters!
I have sub divided into 61 sections as described below.
I have a sample of the book below which is 5% of the book contents. To get the other 95% (1.5 meg file)
this is what you have to do:
Send $1 note or 1 Euro coin or £1 coin to me with your email address and I will email the word file to you.
I think I have provided enough pub banter below for $1 so you already are ahead of the game ;-)
Send to Roy Johnson,10 Gladstone Grove, Biddulph, Stoke on Trent, Staffs, ST8 7SY .UK.
Enjoy the gags and please pass onto to your friends. Thanks for visiting.
My other Gag websites are :
My Rental Home in USA.
My Florida Rental vacation home
Subjects are: (scroll down for gags)
1. Banking:
2. Bar:
3. Beer:
4. Blondes:
5. Children:
6. Computing:
7. Cosmetics:
8. Crazy Signs:
9. Crime:
10. Darwin Awards: (www.darwinawards.com)
11. Dating:
12. Dead as a Dodo:
13. Dentists:
14. Disability:
15. Drunks:
16. Education:
17. Engineers:
18. Essex Girls
19. European Union.
20. Extra Marital:
21. Farming:
22. Father & Son:
23. Food and Drink:
24. Genies:
25. Gentlemen Only:
26. Golf:
27. Hunting:
28. Jewish:
29. Journalism
30. Ladies Only:
31. Lawyers, Judges and the Courts:
32. Marriage:
33. Mathematics:
34. Medicine:
35. Military Intelligence:
36. Movies:
37. New Dictionary Definitions:
38. Old People:
39. One Liners:
40. One Upmanship:
41. Osama Bin Laden:
42. Parents:
43. Pets:
44. Philosophy and Psychology:
45. Police:
46. Politics:
47. Prayers:
48. Put down lines:
49. Quotations from famous people:
50. Religion:
51. Sex:
52. Silly Jokes:
53. Sport:
54. Stella Awards: (www.stellaawards.com)
55. Stockbrokers:
56. Stupid People:
57. Taxman:
58. Television:
59. Translations:
60. Travel:
61. Universe:
62. Unlucky People:
63. Viagra:
64. Vicars,Priests,Preachers and Rabbis:
65. Women drivers:
66. Work:
67. Miscellaneous long stories
and long lists
Here is a sample of the contents:
1. Banking:
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the
teller window "I want to open a f**king checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a f**king checking
account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller
does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir,what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no f**king problem," the man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the f**king lottery and I want to open
a f**king
checking account in this f**king bank."
"I see," says the manager,
"and is this stupid f**king bitch giving you a hard time?"
2. Bar:
A guy sitting at a bar figures he's had enough to drink so he decides that
it is time for him to go home.
He drunkenly tries to stand up but falls down.
He tries again, and again he falls down, so he figures he'll just crawl
outside and try to stand up then.
When he gets outside, he pulls himself up at a parking meter, but falls down
again.
Since he only lives a couple of blocks away, he decides to just crawl home.
When he gets to his front door he tries to get up again, but again he falls
down.
Not wanting to wake up his wife, he crawls into his house, up the stairs to
his bedroom and into bed and falls asleep.
The next morning, his wife angrily wakes him up saying, "You were drinking
last night!"
"No I wasn't" replies the man in mock indignation.
"Don't lie to me," the wife says, "the bar just called and said
you left your wheelchair there last night!"
3. Beer:
It has been recently proved that beer makes men effeminate.
You put several men in a room with as much beer as they can drink.
3 hours later you investigate the results.
And you can see that they all talk rubbish ,argued over nothing, had to sit
down while urinating,
and refused to apologise when wrong and can no longer drive a car safely.
4. Blondes:
The air-head blonde bimbo walks into the library,
looks around, then gets in line for the counter.
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to the blonde air-head bimbo, "Ma'am, this is the library."
The air-head bimbo nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large
fries, and a large Coke...."
====================================================================
5. Children:
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver
a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When
the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring
mother and her 5 year old child
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he
could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The
child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the
doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him
on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled
up
there in the first place!!"
====================================================================
6. Computing:
At the Comdex exhibition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
automobile industry and said "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that do 1000 miles per gallon
." General Motors' response to this statement was: "Yes, but would
you want your car to crash twice a day?"
====================================================================
8. Crazy Signs:
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
====================================================================
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
====================================================================
9. Crime:
Lorene Bobbitt's sister was arrested yesterday for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous
sister had done several years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as Lorene. She missed the target and
stabbed her husband in the upper leg, causing severe muscle and tendon
damage.
She has been charged with a misdeweiner!
====================================================================
10. Darwin Awards:(www.darwinawards.com)
For those who have not heard of these awards, they are given to those stupid
people who died doing
something really stupid, thereby removing something really daft from the gene pool.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder:
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
====================================================================
11. Dating:
A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into
a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told
me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl stammered.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if
you're on the level about this."
====================================================================
12. Dead as a Dodo:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the
level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are
going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there;
send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him. God says,
"Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and
answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
====================================================================
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
She remarried and this time had 5 more children, and again her husband dies.
Alas, a few years later she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who
fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbour, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbour replied, "I think he means her legs."
====================================================================
13. Dentists:
The Dentist went out on the pull (no that's not it!).
He picked up a lovely girl and took her home with him.
She lay in bed fully prepared for the excitement ahead.
He took his shirt off, went to the sink and washed his hands.
He took his Trousers off, went to the sink and washed his hands.
And so it continued for each item of clothing.
As he got into bed she whispered into his ear.
"You're a dentist, aren't you?"
"Well yes. I am. How can you tell?"
"It's how you walk, how you talk, how you wash you hands after touching
anything."
Well- nature takes it course and afterwards she says,
"You're a very good dentist aren't you?"
"Yes. I am. How can you tell?"
" Well I never felt a f**cking thing!".
====================================================================
14. Disability:
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a
woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently
in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset.
She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where
the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big,
wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands,
"silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You
don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
====================================================================
15. Drunks:
A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been
invited to. "I rang the bell and the nudist butler opened the
door." he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the butler?"
"Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it
wasn't the maid."
==================================================
The husband gets drunk, and insists on taking a friend home
from the pub to show him his posh home. They get in the hall,
and...
"Shee that chandelir, thash mine!"
They progress through the house....
"Shee that big colour tel'vision shet, thash mine."
Then upstairs.....
"Shee that king-shise double bed, thash mine."
"Shee that lovely woman naked in bed, thash my wife."
"Shee that feller lyin' on top of her... thash me."
====================================================================
16. Education
The kindergarteners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they
were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then
asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
"No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's
the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
====================================================================
17. Engineers:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
20. Extra Marital:
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and
while en route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he
suspected his wife was
having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back
and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very
generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who
do you think paid for our new
boat, he did!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
====================================================================
21. Farming:
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 Rubles -
or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly.
The people decidedthey would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to
worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow,
the cow moved
to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow
moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow
moves left and whenthe bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said
we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, "Sadly, My wife ,she is also from Minsk."
====================================================================
22. Father & Son:
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're
in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?" The father
replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday,
2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday."
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father
replies,
"Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for
February, one for March, one for....."
====================================================================
25. Gentlemen Only:
Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed,
"I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four
fingers to hold his."
Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours
with four fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of
them."
========================================================
A lady walks into a Mercedes Benz dealership. She browses around, then
spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t
yourself when you hear the price."
=========================================================================
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin'".
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole f*cking thing.
====================================================================
27. Hunting:
Richard's all excited about his new rifle.
So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown
bear, and he kills it with his first shot.
There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says,
"You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex.".
Richard bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows
revenge.
Richard heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and
kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.
A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says,
"That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, Either I maul you to death
or we have sex.".
Richard bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit
of time to recover, and, he's outraged.
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.
There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear,
and the polar bear says,
"You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?".
====================================================================
30. Ladies Only:
**BEEP**
You have reached the Breast Cancer Self-Examination
Hotline.
Press one to continue.
(pause)
Now, press the other one.
**BEEP**
====================================================================
A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality
throughout the world..........
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the
Gulf War.
She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked
several yards behind their wives. Ms.Walters approached one of the women and
said,
"This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman frowned and replied:
"Land mines."
====================================================================
31. Lawyers,Judges and the Courts:
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to
meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where
is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? " The accountant does
not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is
a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The
Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million
dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are
talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9
millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the
trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!" The
attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The
accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a
suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says,
"Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
====================================================================
32. Marriage:
It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
complained a man to his wife as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think
the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
She replied. "Probably that I married you for
your money."
====================================================================
My wife and I are inseparable.
--In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.
====================================================================
My wife and I were happy for 20 years!
--Then we met!
====================================================================
Why do men die before their wives?
--They want to.
====================================================================
Why do men usually marry women who are
in some ways similar to their mothers ??
--Better the devil you know!
====================================================================
Why do men pass gas more than women?
--Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
====================================================================
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
--Two mothers-in-law
====================================================================
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a
DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as
bad
as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with
the BODY?"
====================================================================
====================================================================
Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other virtues you
wouldn't need if you'd stayed single.
====================================================================
An older gentleman marries a younger lady and they are deeply in
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves
orgasm.
Since a wife needs sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the doctor for advice.
The doctor listens to their story and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man and
while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you,
as though he is fanning you both.
"Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you
both with the towel.
That will help the wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the doctor's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and
enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love.
But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the doctor. "Okay", says the doctor,
"let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and
you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the doctor's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous, room-shaking, Screaming, orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and
says to him, triumphantly:
"THAT'S how you wave a f**king towel!
====================================================================
34. Medicine:
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a
Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife. I'm afraid it's bad
news or terrible news.
One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith : "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town,
if she finds her way home, don't shag her."
====================================================================
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
====================================================================
A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because his
penis has turned yellow, purple and green.
The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate."
"No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks,
"Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor." So, he goes to Chinatown and
finds a Chinese herbalist.
The herbalist takes a look. The sailor says,
"Hey Doc, the last doctor said he'd have to amputate."
The Chinese herbalist said,
"Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days - fall off all by itself!"
====================================================================
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable
to get his penis erect.
After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base
of his penis
were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to
take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing
sex again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the
elephant, the man
decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly
renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued
to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants,
went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first,
but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can youdo that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if
I can fit another roll up my arse."
====================================================================
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
====================================================================
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
====================================================================
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
=====================================================================
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch
of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted
on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
====================================================================
38. Old People:
Three old men, one 70, one 80 and one 90, are sitting around
the old folks home complaining about their failing health. The 70 year old says;
"every morning at 8 o'clock I try to take a piss but it is real painful
and barely anything comes out".
"That's nothing" the 80 year old says.
"Every morning at 9 o'clock I try to take a dump, but I'm all bound up
and that's real painful".
The 90 year old man speaks.
"Every morning at 8 I piss like a racehorse, and at 9 I take a big healthy
dump".
The other 2 remarked;
"So what's your problem?"
"I don't wake up until 11" replies the 90 year old.
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39. One Liners:
Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
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I got a sweater for Christmas.
what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
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Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
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"I can't believe how boring my life has become." "What do you
mean?"
"The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying
to
tell my cat I'm getting his food ready!"
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There are only 10 kinds of people in the world, Those who understand binary,
and those who don't.
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40. One Upmanship:
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman
sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves
apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have Italian blood,
French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
48. Put down lines:
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra
and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She
entered an upscale department store and approached the
saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the
store and proceeded to another department store where she is
rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw
open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried
Clearasil?"
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You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
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49. Quotations from famous people:
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-- Oscar Wilde
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George Michael was arrested in the public toilets for having a chocolate bar
up his A*se,
he was released with out charge after it was found to be a "Careless whisper".
--Anon
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When I want your opinion, I will give it to you.
-- "The Godfather"
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
convertible.
-- PJ O'Rourke.
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50. Religion:
On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me do it for twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
Once again, God agreed.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy.
Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll
take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back and
the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey
tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in
front of the house and bark at everybody!
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56. Stupid People:
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman
says,"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow,
there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from,
there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At
Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink,
Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Corkman says, "You tink dat's great? Where I come from in Cork, dere's this place called Murphy's.
At Murphy's,dey buy you your first drink, dey buy you your second drink, dey buy you your tird drink, and
den, dey take you out de back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Where is it?
"No,idea" replies the Cork guy, "but my sister knows!"
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If you have any gags you would like to contribute please email roy@biddulph.u-net.com